Monday Morning Mirth

A Mother's Dictionary

Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.

Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside.

Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.Preprared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

Verbal: Able to whine in words.

Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.

Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."

I enjoyed reading and findng this one. Most of these I can totally agree with. I love the Top Bunk one. Gabriel has never done it but he has come close. My nephew has though as my mother will attest to. I personally use first and middle as a warning or to get attention and if that doesn't work I switch to full name when the kids are in trouble. Puddles are like magnets to my children and the preschool parking lot has tons of them on a fairly regular basis in the winter so telling the kids to stay out of the puddle became a habit as well as the consequence of having wet shoes once they got into the building. That must be why Abby and Gabriel always wanted to wear their rainboots. Instead of "Whoops" it should be "Uh, Oh" at least in my house.